Feeling stuck is horrible isn’t it? Whether I’m stuck in a traffic jam or a queue for the loos at a busy concert; stuck between two friends having an argument; or stuck in a job I hate; feeling stuck triggers me in ways not many things can. I feel angry yet powerless; full of energy I’m unable to release; and often annoyed at the choices that have led me to this moment. My thoughts swirl in my head:
“Why didn’t I leave earlier, I knew it might be busy?”
“Why don’t I just walk away, they always do this?”
“Why didn’t I apply for that job I saw last week?”
The inner chatter sends me into a spiral of blame and recrimination, whether for myself or others and my energy drains away, leaving me even less able to take action. I’m even more stuck.
But what does it even mean to feel stuck?
The Cambridge Dictionary gives the following definition:
“Unable to move, or set in a particular position, place, or way of thinking”
So stuck means we are unable to act; to move; to make a decision; or to change the way we think.
But is that always true?
When I’m stuck completely stationary in a traffic jam I may not be able to move, but can I act, make a decision or change the way I think? Rather than cursing the roadworks, or myself for not using a different route, could I accept that the current situation is beyond my control and act or think differently to relieve those feelings of frustration? Of course I can. I can put that podcast episode I’ve been meaning to listen to on the car stereo and listen to it, or have a car karaoke session to release my emotions.
What about when I’m stuck in a job I hate? What can I do then?
Now I need to go deeper. Car karaoke isn’t going to fix this feeling (although it might help on the commute!).
Time to do some self-reflection.
Here are some questions I’ve asked myself when I’ve been in this situation. I ask myself each question repeatedly and scribble down words or sentences as quickly as I can until I either can’t think of anything or start to repeat myself.
What is it I hate about this job?
What is it I love about this job?
Once I’ve completed this exercise I look closely at what I’ve written and try to spot any patterns. In my experience, the patterns I’ve seen are often linked to one or more of these three themes:
Expectation versus reality
This is all about the difference between how I want things (or myself) to be and how things really are (or how I am). I’ve found myself frustrated by a useless line manager who is eroding the morale of our team when I know we’re all keen to do well (& I could do a better job than him). Or I’ve been frustrated by the fact that no-one seems to listen to me or they make me promises they don’t keep. Whatever the example, there’s a gap between what I want and what I’m getting.
Loss of purpose
I’ve felt this at times when I don’t really see how what I’m doing contributes to a bigger picture in a way that fulfils me. I spent many years working in insurance and I really struggled with the loss of connection to purpose during that time. Yes I know everyone needs insurance and when they make a claim it can make a huge difference but I just didn’t find it motivating or exciting.
Conflict with my values
Thankfully I’ve only felt this a few times in my career but it left me feeling huge discomfort and frustration. This was when I was either asked to do something or act in a way that just didn’t sit well with me. Or to be party to that behaviour in others. It could be as small as excluding someone from a decision who I thought should have a voice or it could be as big as an entire approach to a project or change.
So now I’ve started to uncover what’s really going on. And understanding is the first step. But how does this help me get unstuck?
Time for more questions
To get unstuck I’m going to have to get myself to a position where I can move, act or think differently. This will take some more thinking and some effort. So I ask myself 2 more questions. Here’s the first one:
Is this situation likely to change?
If the answer to this is No then I need to move straight to the next question.
If it is Yes, then I have some choices. I could play the waiting game and hope that it changes in a positive way. Or I could choose to act anyway, to prepare myself or to put myself in the best position to deal with that change when it comes. But how?
Time to move on to the final critical question:
What’s stopping me from changing this situation?
Now I have to get really honest with myself. Time to list all the things that are stopping me. Some of them may be ‘external’ such as “I need to stay here because of my pension / salary” or “What will others think if I leave”. Some of them may be ‘internal’ such as “I’m too scared to leave this company, it’s all I’ve ever known” or “I’m not good enough to get a job somewhere else”. Whatever they are, however trivial (or confronting) they may seem, I have to write them down.
What I’ve just done is write down my Limiting Beliefs about this situation. And that is where the real insight lies. Because if I don’t spend time on these, nothing will change. I know that, because I’ve been there. I’ve held beliefs about myself or my situation that weren’t true. And when I realised that everything changed.
I’ll be writing about how I dealt with those Limiting Beliefs in my next blog post, but in the meantime I’ll leave you with these questions:
Are you feeling stuck?
Are you living with beliefs that are holding you back?
Wouldn’t you like to change that?